Too Much of a Good Thing: A Dangerous Culture

I know that I have taken a direction with this blog that is lighthearted, yet serious at the same time, but right now I wanna get serious about something that I have become very passionate about, and that is the astonishing rape culture in Utah.

I am a victim advocate at the Provo Utah Police Department and I have attended a few conferences addressing the issue of rape and sexual assault and have listened to professionals present their research on the topic and feel that the world (and Mormons especially) needs to be more aware and educated about whats goin on wit all dat.

I specifically want to talk about what happens to a victim psychologically when they go through trauma. This can be a sexual trauma, a car crash, a near death experience, or really anything. The truth is, all victims will react differently and they often will experience emotions and have behaviors that make absolutely no sense to anyone else. Why does this matter? Crimes are not being reported (especially sexual crimes) because victims are afraid they will not be believed. Not only are they afraid they will not be believed by the police, but even more so they are terrified that their friends and family will not believe them because their story doesn't make a lot of sense, or they cant seem to remember what the suspect was wearing.

First some basic information. The brain stores experiences in two different places. The first place is the cortex. This is the rational part of the brain that is able to reason, can weigh alternatives, and can regulate emotions. The second place is the primitive brain or the amygdala. This is survival brain. It cannot regulate emotion, cannot weigh options, and is usually focused on survival and basic motor skills. When you talk to someone who has been through a trauma about that trauma, you hear their experience from the primitive brain, which is like trying to take a million sticky notes and put them in order chronologically. It might not make a lot of sense, but it doesn't mean it is not true.

Victims also experience something called temporary amnesia, in which they literally cannot remember the details of what happened to them. This usually gets better after two nights of sleep (studies have shown). I repeat, this does not mean that they are lying. They are using a coping mechanism called "freeze mode". You know the ole "fight or flight" scenario? Its true. BUT, they are forgetting the freeze that happens before the fight or flight decision. Victims will usually experience two different types of freeze mode.   The brain, to protect us from intense emotions or sensations will disassociate us from the situation. So when people say things like "I just spaced out" or "It was like a dream, or like I was watching a movie" they were most likely experiencing disassociation.

The other freeze mode that someone can experience is called Tonic Immobility which serves to preserve your life. This usually happens when someone feels trapped or right after a failed attempt to escape a threatening situation. The body is flooded with a hormone called oxytocin and is literally frozen. This can be for a few seconds or a few hours.  Victims that experience tonic immobility will say things like "I tried to scream but couldn't" or "I was frozen/numb" or "my arms/legs wouldn't move".  So when a victim is asked, "Why didn't you run away or scream for help?" They can't explain it. They don't understand why. Does that mean they are lying? NO.

In an LDS community, rape is more common than you think. Not only do sexual predators have an easier time "wearing sheep's clothing" by being returned missionaries and "faithful" members of the church, but also, rape and sexual assault are not commonly addressed. Young men and women simply are not educated about what rape is and isn't. This also ties in with the whole guilt complex. When someone in the church is raped, it is often a very confusing situation that leads them to think that "maybe it WAS consensual" or that they have sinned by "allowing it to happen". We don't want to believe that these things are happening and so we keep them hush, hush. If we were more vocal about this, maybe a sexual predator would think twice before dating that nice, naive little mormon girl.  Let me give you a scenario.

A guy and a girl go out for a date. They have been dating for a few months and have made out quite a bit. The guy will often get carried away and the girl will have to stop things from going too far. (or farther than what she is comfortable with).  But one night the guy is a bit more forceful with her and talks her into... lets say laying down, which they normally don't do. He then pins her arms down in a playful way (to him) and kisses her harder than normal. She is feeling extremely uncomfortable, but because she is with her boyfriend, she is hesitant to say anything. He begins to do more and more things that she does not want, but she cant seem to say anything and stares blankly at the time on the clock, or grabs the fringe on the rug to brace herself for whatever comes next. She tentatively says that they shouldn't be doing this, but he just smiles at her and tells her everything is ok. She is then torn between being a good girlfriend, the hormonal situation, and what she feels is right. She tries moving his hands a few times, but he is caught in the heat of the moment and continues, telling her its ok because they are in love and that means its ok. Things go way further than she ever wanted and she goes home to cry and wonder what just happened. Why didn't she just stop him?

Confusing right? What happened there? Is that guy a rapist? Did she even get raped? Yes. Let me just answer that for you, yes she did. This is a super common scenario! Do you think it gets reported? Probably not. Most of the time, rape and sexual violence will happen with someone you know. Its probably not going to be while you are walking down a dark ally (why would you do that anyway?) and is a lot more likely to happen if you are drinking alcohol. Are good Mormon girls and boys going to tell anyone that they got drunk at a party and then slipped up with someone? Maybe they will tell the bishop, which is good, but they will most likely confess out of guilt and not to ask for help with being a victim of crime. Too much innocent, church culture can be a bad thing if we are not properly educated. And with that, I end this soap box rant and let you return to your worry free life. But please share this information with others. It all starts with educating yourself.

Its a Bit of a Process

The next topic on the agenda is the actual act of repentance. The best worst thing in the world! The best because its a pretty big blessing that we even have the option to repent! Can you imagine having to do everything perfectly for your whole life on earth? I would be dead meat by now! Its crazy to me to think that it has literally all been paid for in advance, and now I just have to do my best and make sure I clean up after my oopsies in life. Thats the best!

Its the worst because sinning often feels like the absolute life ending worst thing ever. And that is specifically what I want to talk about. That feeling. What we've been taught we need to feel in order to really repent. This godly sorrow. Truly repentant. adequately sorrowful. What does that even mean??

Once upon a time there was a short blonde girl livin an awesome life on the dry safe land. Then she started to play on the banks of a dark swift river, and eventually, she fell in. This river was fast and raging and was sweeping her pretty quickly far from everything she was familiar with and knew to be safe. It was kinda fun, and really scary, because she also felt like she could barely keep her head above the water. Then there was someone holding a life saver out for her to grab onto. She passed up on this offer. Then there was a fisherman who offered to cast his line out and hook her and reel her in. She again passed on the offer. Slowly, there were not many more offers of rescue to be seen, and she started to panic and sink beneath the white rapids of the deep river. Just when she thought all was lost, a large orange raft appeared and her family and friends were all lifting her into the boat and giving her an attractive yellow floatation device and a warm blanket. She was so ashamed that she had passed up on so many offers from nice people in her life that wanted to help and made her family and friends leave their busy schedules to come and help her. She fell into a deep depression and felt that she did not deserve the kindness of others. She felt that maybe she deserved to be back in the river struggling rather than in the safety of the banks. There were even people who were angry with her that it took so long for her to be rescued and that made her feel pretty worthless. She never felt like she was doing enough to show that she was sorry for being in the river in the first place! She beat herself up and suffered until eventually the time took the pain away and she was able to live happily on the banks again.

So that little story is about me and the feelings I had once while going through the repentance process. Does that sound right to anyone? Do you think that God wants us to feel worthless and forever groveling to prove that we are sorry? I really don't think that it should be that way. Repentance, in my opinion, is a process that has been overly emotionalized.  We feel like we need to throw ourselves into the pit of despair and have our souls ripped from our bodies in order to prove that we really did repent! I have found that the fact that I feel bad about what I did and that I recognize that it was incorrect is enough. I don't need to suffer for a lengthy period of time. After I recognize that it is wrong and feel remorse for the sin, I stop the emotions and think logically about what I need to do next. I get through repentance and feel Gods love so much easier and faster because I'm not letting Satan take advantage of my feelings. I take myself out of the situation and say, "If I were giving someone else advice on what to do next, what would I tell them?" And then I take my own advice. And it's not like BOOM magic! Everything is so much easier and fixed! But when I consciously think everyday that I need to be happy and work through my problems with a positive attitude instead of sulking and wondering "why me!?"The process is a lot smoother and more affective.
I know that Christ died for us and that we ALWAYS have the opportunity to clean up our lives and be better. I know that God loves us no matter what we do and that if we can love ourselves as much as he loves us, then we can see that repentance is not a grueling death sentence for the spirit, but an opportunity to be loved by our creator and a chance for us to develop a personal relationship with Christ through realizing that his atonement really is infinite. This gospel is for you. The atonement was performed for you. God made you. God loves you.... (And I love you too).

I Have a Confession!

Confession. One of the most important, yet nerve wracking parts of repentance. Why do I have to tell this old guy what I did? Why can't I just say sorry to God and be done with it?? Because thats not the easiest way to stop doing whatever it is you are doing! I say easy, though it is anything but easy.
If you were a river, you would take the path of least resistance on your way down the mountain. Confessing major sins to your bishop is like taking the path of least resistance. The longer you wait, the more you tell yourself that you don't need to, and the more you tell your friends and family that you forgot church started earlier today to avoid the sacrament (we've all done it!) the longer and more difficult it will be to get that peace bringing prize of forgiveness.
THAT SUCKS!
No it doesn't! Holy cow! Why is going to the bishop SUCH a big deal?? You are going to talk to someone who cares about you regarding a problem you are having a hard time defeating. These guys are pretty wise. They have been around the block a few times and have a gift from God to be able to assist you in that moment. All they gonna do, is give you some things to work on, let you know if you're good to take the sacrament, and then check up on you every week or so to see if you're feeling any better. Wah. Just do it! You feel a million times better after getting a little extra help, and you will have the direction you need to continue fighting those demons!
Speaking of the sacrament. If you find yourself in the position that you need to wait a few weeks or even a few months to take the sacrament, don't be ashamed. You are doing the right thing! Be comforted in the fact that you are brave enough to admit that now is not the right time for you to take it. And all you other people who maybe glance out of the corner of your eye to see a ward friend pass the sacrament along speedily and blush a bit; do. not. judge. them! Instead, congratulate them in your heart. What they are doing takes a lot of courage, sacrifice, and a large changing of the heart! THATS SO COOL! People are changing! They're taking their life by the reins and saying, THIS good gospel life style is what I want! If anything, be a better friend to them. Make sure they are invited to things, that they feel welcomed in classes and that they have a friend in you. It can be the difference between them beating that demon to a pulp, or slowly drifting back to whatever darkness they were previously lost in. It really is that simple.
On one final note, I would like to briefly talk about the actual talking to the bishop part. I know a lot of people who have felt uncomfortable with something a bishop said, and have decided to take a break from the church. (and thats ok, its their life). But I just want to say that bishops are awesome MEN. They are not the all overpowering authority. They make mistakes just like we do. Those interviews are just as scary and awkward for them! So if a bishop says something that makes you uncomfortable, tell him. How can he know and fix the problem if he has no idea you feel that way? Lets say he is asking you for more details of a confession than what you are comfortable with. Respectfully let him know that that makes you feel uncomfortable and that you feel you have given him enough information for him to help you. Remember, this is YOUR life and you should always listen to the spirit. I am in no way encouraging you to start battles with your bishops or to not accept advice that may be a little hard to take because you are feeling bad about what you did. But legitimately, listen to the spirit if you are not feeling ok about something a bishop said, and don't be afraid to speak up! ITS YOUR LIIIIIIIFE AND ITS NOW OR NEVER!! BON JOVI WANTS YOU TO LIIIVE!

All About Agency (and alliteration)

So once upon a time there were these two people and they had to make a really hard decision so that man-kind could come down to the green planet and go through this buffet line called life and get a big steaming helping of agency. (There's more to the story but... time and cramped hands!)Those people were Adam and Eve in case you didn't pick up on that.
Anyway, So here we are.... livin... we have these prophet guys that tell us important messages that we need to hear in order to stay on the right track. We love those guys! They're the best! We also have our bishops who give us great advice on how to overcome some of our little hiccups in life. (Some of us ate our agency a little TOO fast) Then! We have all of these other people who think they can tell you what is wrong, right, offensive, not bold enough, not spiritual enough, and that your skirt is too short. Those people are not bad... they're just not getting it. Hopefully they will get it soon, but we are not concerned with them because we have learned that this life is for living OUR lives! Not anyone else's life!
Not only were we blessed with agency, but we were also blessed with personal revelation. I want you all to think about eye colors and finger prints and those things that make us all unique. Don't you think that the way the gospel is applied in each of our lives is pretty unique? I do. We all interpret things so differently! Which is why prophets are so important! But they can't follow you around all day telling you what to do in all of that gray area in life! Thats why you have the right to choose. Thats why you have the ability to communicate to a loving Heavenly Father about what the right decision is for you in that particular moment.
Each of our journeys are incredibly different. Our personalities are incredibly different. Our upbringings, experiences, and our individual relationships with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are different. What he expects from one of us, he may not expect from another one of us. So why do we think we can hold each other up to certain expectations? We cant! The prophet gives us the gospel, a skeleton guide book that we fill in with the juices of our own interesting and unique lives! Isn't that awesome!??
So take a look at the girl who you have never met before. The one wearing the worlds shortest mini skirt to church. I know right? You can almost see her underwear! So what are you going to do? Laugh at her with your friends? Go tell her that her skirt is too short and mortify her into inactivity? Or are you just going to say hi to her and invite her to sit with you in relief society? Are you going to judge her? Or are you going to let God do that? Last time I checked, that was his job, and not yours.
Let us love one another. It IS the second most important commandment. Let us respect the decisions of others. Their life is theirs. You will probably be able to wave at each other in the celestial kingdom later because most likely, they are taking care of the things that matter! And how they fill in that gospel skeleton is up to them, and they will probably do an ok job! No worries, they've got personal revelation so that God can tell them what is best for THEM! Get it? You got that? Good.

GO FORTH AND LOVE! LIVE AN AWESOME LIFE! FILL IN THAT SKELETON WITH YOUR OWN FLAVORS! (<--- that sounds kinda weird)

Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing and worry about what Heavenly Father is trying to tell you about your own life. You are his greatest creation, and you are your most important convert.

Ew. Did you just sin?? Seriously? And how does that feel? Well I hope you feel pretty crappy about yourself, because.... sinning is NOT ok. Totally not what Heavenly Father wants for you. You are tainted and SO not worthy of blessings. Please leave. 

HEY! You! Sinner! So.. I heard you messed up pretty bad this time. Like, "not gonna get forgiveness this time for SURE" messed up. I heard you're heading for the third kingdom... THAT's how bad it was! Well let me tell you something. Congratulations on being a human being. You are special, but not THAT special. Yep. You are pretty much just like the rest of us... trying to swim against a current of hormones, colorful drinks, sailor language, and overall doubty-ness. (I'm aware that it's a bit more complicated than that, but we need to move forward).  
Are you drowning? Well you don't need to. Its ok that you feel bad about what you did! That also tells me that you are a human (again, a million congratulations!) But you need to stop beating yourself up. I know that seems pretty impossible, but I promise you are going to be able to feel the atonement working in your life, and Gods love, a whole lot bettah if you are not constantly telling yourself you deserve to have bamboo shoots shoved up your fingernails. 
If you continue to read my blog, I am going to talk a lot about how to balance all of that out. Im no visionary. Im just a person who has been through as much as you have and I want to record the things I have learned and share them with you. I hope you will keep reading and that you might get a better idea of how to be a faithful Mormon and not hate yourself!